I Hope I Never Learn

It is true that every year this day I write you something. This year I was tempted to wake up and hop in the shower right away without taking the few minutes to address the year that we are leaving behind. Surprisingly, not because I can’t wait for 2012 to go away and mark this pseudo-momentum where we get a clean slate and the clock starts ticking again. No, that is not it. Don’t get me wrong, I love clean slates. I love them so much that I am willing to dirty up my life a little in order to be able to get a clean slate at one point or another. But no, that is not it at all.

The reason why I was reluctant to write you is simple. For the first time in my life, I can’t really grasp how a year has in fact gone by since the New Year’s Eve of 2011. If you know me well enough you will also be very aware of my preoccupation with time, also known as my constant fear of time fleeting and not making enough of it. Yet 2012 just fled, and I don’t know how I feel about that. But I was talking to you about clean slates. For the first time in my life, I feel that I don’t need one. And this is equally liberating and at the same time frightening. What does one do without a clean slate? Do you just carry on or do you aggressively cut the rope just so that you can start again? I do not claim to know the answer but I have a feeling that a year without mistakes, is unimaginable! Your bad times have got to, and will forever, drag you down like cold air but this is only for you to graciously float back up even higher with the warm, it’s simple binary oppositions. A year without mistakes would be a year without a % on the back of the vodka bottle. Because mistakes make you who you are, and do not be fooled for one second into thinking that it’s all going to change with the chronological changing of the year. Forced change is not change, it’s a coup. Change comes with experience and age, a challenging movement of mentality, not a numeric movement of 12-13.

And I feel that I have changed. I have maybe changed so much that I perceive 2012 as a year of no mistakes, as a year of no % in the back of my vodka bottle – despite the copious amounts of vodka I consumed in its passing. So, 2013, as I am sipping my first drink in your presence, I’ll have one wish for you. May you be a year of rights and wrongs, and may you let me jump in that fountain of youth and never learn too much. Chapter one again, here I go again..


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