Little Red Ridding Hood


You see folks, it is not difficult to write a fairy tale. We randomly pick two or three morons and place them in a castle or a forest…

Let me give you a good example. Little Red Riding Hood is a fairy tale in which exclusively morons live. Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother lives in the forest and she is ninety five years old. Go to a care home you stupid old fart! How did it occur to you, ninety five years old woman, to live by yourself in the forest and to make your relatives go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, in the woods? And then they ask why people throw the grandma out of the train! It is perfectly logical and expected!

And what can you say about Little Red Riding Hood’s mom? Another brainless idiot herself. She gives the little girl the pot and tells her: ‘’Take this and give the food to your grandma!’’ How are you sending the little girl alone in the woods, lady? You throw her right in the mouth of the wolf!
As soon as she arrives in the forest, she encounters the stupidest wolf in WWF’s history, which doesn’t eat her right away but asks anxiously:

‘’where are you going my lovely little girl?’’

‘’I am going to see my grandmother’’ she replies.

And the wolf, instead of eating her at that same moment, as any wolf with an average IQ level would do, he goes to the grandma’s house and makes up a whole scenario, over which not even the tackiest Latin American soap opera would ever stand a chance. He arrives at the little house and knocks on the door.

‘’Knock, Knock’’

‘’Who’s there?’’

‘’Little Red Riding Hood’’

‘’Come in’’.

And here we have the confirmation that grandma’s brain has been completely fucked up: even if Little Red Riding Hood had the voice of a hoarse cock having an asthma crisis, how could the grandma not realize that it was a wolf? At that point the wolf goes in and eats the grandma. Mind here wolf’s good manners, who would never get in to eat someone without in the first place knocking on the door. And here comes the masterpiece of the story. The really genius part: the wolf, instead of standing behind the door with a club and saying: ‘’As soon as the kid gets here, I will smack her with the club in the head, I will boil her and then suck her bones out!’’ Noooo my friend! What does the wolf do?! He puts on grandma’s night gown, her little hood with his big ears sticking out of the special wholes that he personally made (wolves are known to be craftsmen in dressmaking) and jumps into bed. Little Red Riding Hood arrives –who her close friends and family also refer to as Einstein due to her witty and smart spirit- she walks in, looks at the wolf and, instead of calling 911 or telling him:
‘’What the fuck are you wearing you moron? Have you lost every single piece of self dignity as a wolf? Nice one looking like a hairy old saggy fat toothless fart’’, how does she react? She says:

‘’Oh grandmother, what big long hair, you got!’’

Now folks: whoever has a dog, please try to put a hood on it and a pair of glasses, and see if it looks like grandma! If so, throw your grandma out of the window, or take her to the state authorities. Of course, it is true that the grandmother wasn’t able to distinguish between wolf’s and her granddaughter’s voice, yes –but grandma is ninety five years old and I am sure it would be Alzheimer in its last stage there. But how can Little Red Riding Hood not distinguish between her grandmother and a wolf in a hood?! Who did she have for a grandmother? King Kong? Even if the grandmother hadn’t waxed since 1931, who is she? Lucio Dala? The man from the Himalayas? In any case, they live happily ever after and the wolf eats her! Right after, luckily, the huntsman arrives, shoots the wolf, and thank god and all saints, both the wolf, the grandma and the stupid moron with the red hood are missing.

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